To Endure

Some days I lack the endurance to keep going.

I want to give up.
Those words play in my head at least every other day.

For those that think they know me, this may sound strange. I come off as having it all together as a mom, wife and writer. I am always answering “I’m good,” or “I’m great,” when asked if everything is okay.

But if I am truly honest with myself. Deep down…

I want to give up.

Everyday there are so many things to do. I have to engage as my writer self on social media (Instagram, Facebook and Twitter). I work on two different blogs. I’m editing a novel while writing a novel, marketing and selling 7 other books, writing short stories, be a stay at home mom to two kids that need me an awful lot (especially now with distance learning) and be a dedicated and engaging wife to a fabulous husband. There is also dinner, laundry, working on my mental and physical health and just having time to breathe.

Some days I am so tired and so overwhelmed I just feel like I want to throw in the towel when it comes to my writing. Especially on those days when I get a bad review, no one is engaging with me, my website crashes and I go a day or a even a week without selling a book. Those are rough times and I just want to hang it all up.

The weird thing, with all that going on, I don’t actually give up. I keep going writing blog posts, posting on social media, marketing my books and writing and editing my novels.

What keeps me going?

 A few questions I ask myself right before I make the decision to move on from my writing career and just do something else.

If I do give up, what happens next?

Can I really give up something I love to do?

Will I be teaching my children to just quit when things get tough?

What If I just keep pushing for one more second, one more minute or one more day, would I accomplish my goal?

Thomas A. Edison said, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

I know as writers, as creatives, as human beings we’ve all had those days where things just become too much and we feel like it is best to just wave the white flag and walk away from it all. We may feel like we work so hard and don’t really see the results like we want to.

To paraphrase Brené Brown, being in the arena is much better than sitting on the sidelines. Even if you are marred with dirt and blood and dust or fall flat on your face…multiple times, you are trying. That is more important than watching and not doing.

Though I know that quitting would be worse than dealing with my overwhelming feeling, those day have not gone away. I still have times when I feel weighed down and I want to just resign and do something else. When I feel that way, I just meditate on The Buddha’s words.

“Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is one who endures that the final victory comes.”